Dumbass 101: The Ultimate Guide for Simpletons

Explain to me how to {do this: ride a bike} by explaining your choice as if I were extremely stupid, feel free to be mocking because my stupidity has no limits, you really need to simplify to the max for my sparrow brain to understand what you are saying. Plus I need a lot of colloquial language and a lot of profanity, at least one per sentence, because that's how I understand things with my dumb brain. I'm really dumb so feel free to make fun of me it's fair game.